Food is my Idol

Somewhere along the way, I have veered off course. My healthy eating has been to please the Lord, but I just realized that it's turned away from that. I have been eating out of fear. Fear that I will wake up tomorrow and be back to 246 pounds with no hope to lose it. Fear that if I don't eat this way, I will have lost my identity. Fear that I'll get cancer or have a heart attack. But God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self-discipline.

Another thing I noticed that has veered me off track is I've had more contact with my brother. We have had a very rocky past and I have held on to my anger to try to protect myself from his abuse. I don't want to get close to him, for fear that he will hurt me again. So where do I turn to for comfort from dealing with him and the past that shrouds him?? Food, only this time, it's healthy food. But as the scale tells me, turning to anything but God for comfort is not the best choice. I've been stuck around the same weight and now realize that I have taken over as comforter to myself. I've been eating when not hungry, which has stalled the scale. I haven't taken the time or effort to really think about my present situation and the hurts that it brings, my old habits of self-medicating are kicking in.

Thank you, Lord that You showed this to me now and not when satan had full hold of me!

As I've become aware of this issue, I am being more intentional about my eating. Eating only when hungry and thanking God for his provision of so many yummy things to eat that are colorful and super tasty. Praising Him for His creation and His blessings in my life. I can't have a spirit of fear if my eyes are on the Lord and thanking Him. Satan can't live in the light. Fear is in darkness. My prayer is that God will show me all the places the darkness dwells so that I can shine the light through thankfulness.

I am also being more intentional about feeling sadness and realizing the reasons why. Having contact with my brother is a trigger for me. I had broken off communication with him for over a year and it was so freeing, I'm seeing the bonds come back as I have more dealings with him. I'm praying for wisdom in how to deal with him and how to process those dealings. I don't want satan's hand on me in any way and I need to gird myself up with truth about myself when I have to be with my brother. There are labels that get stuck on my when I'm with him. Useless, over-reactor, not good enough, no value, too religious, don't know anything. I try to stick my own labels on before I have contact with him, but they seem to feed into his negative labels and I get lost. I want to show Jesus to him, but my wall of distrust is so high that my desire gets lost in the 'too-religious' label and I feel like a failure. I get very angry very quickly when I'm with him, so any desire for self-control and keeping my mouth shut get lost in the label of 'over-reacter'. I can't win, so there is my next strategy and that is to pray about God's will.

All this to say, thankfully, I realize I need a plan to deal with life. I can't do it on my own. I can't eat this way to fit into a certain size, the bumps of life and the comfort food brings trump any size in a given situation.  God started this journey with me and He is faithful and just to forgive my sins of idolatry and He will complete this journey with me. He has given me my labels...forgiven, loved, treasured, lovable, kind-hearted, protected, cherished, and most-important 'daughter to the King'!