Being Sad

I've had food issues for as far as I can remember. My mom was always on some diet or another. She went (what seemed like years) drinking a diet shake for dinner. I was on 'The Rice Diet', 'The 3-Day Diet', 'The Grapefruit Diet' all before the 5th grade.  I remember sneaking junk food. A couple of times a year I would stay at a friends house and do you know the snack that was served when we got home from school?? It was an apple.  I thought I'd die until dinner. Looking back, I can see why that friend never had a weight issue and hasn't since. Things were a bit out of whack in other areas too. Which leads me to my revelation....I don't know how to be sad. I've used food to help me feel better for so many years, that I've not had to be truly sad ever! In my teen years, I used drugs and alcohol and other things. I've always covered up any yucky feelings and looking back, I've had a lot of yucky feelings for a very long time.

For about three years now, as soon as November hits, I just want to climb into a hole and not come out until January. I love my husband and kids and they give me so much joy, but there are some people that I have to see during the holidays that just zap away my feelings of joy. I'm determined this year to make this season better than last year and next year will be better than this year until I reach a point where I'm ok :) So this year November hit and I cowered in my corner and tried to figure out how to get through the next months without hurting my husband or kids. Talking to my husband has helped tremendously, but he is human and can only do so much. I'm working on coming up with a plan so that I can smile. One thing I'm being conscious of is when the negative thoughts come into my head about seeing certain people, I immediately replace it with my kids beaming faces on Christmas day and tell myself that they are my truth and that nothing that these other people say or do can take away the truth that I'm a good, loving mom and wife. I'm putting together a list of things that are my God-given qualities that make me who I am. I need a tangible list in front of me for when lies get spewed at me that I can look and say, 'No, I'm a nice person.' or 'No, I'm a gentle person.'

This all sounds like a dismal situation and you might be saying, 'Well, just don't see those people!' but I must clarify. Most of the time, these things are said within my head. I've been fed those lies for so long that I don't need anyone to say them to me out loud. I can take a look or anything and start the tape running about how worthless I am. But, I've got a plan and I realize what is happening so that I can combat it!

One other thing that I'm making a thoughtful choice in is my eating. Normally, I'd start medicating with food, but I'm choosing to continue on my Eat to Live path and not waver a tiny bit! I believe that eating clean and healthy is why I can make all these revelations about myself. I want to keep my brain as clear as possible so that I know when lies are being fed to me.

It's funny with the holidays, I'm finding that I get more sad this time of year because it reminds me of how I think things should be. I used to love getting together with extended family, but now it's a bleak reminder of how things have changed and how hurting the relationship is. So that's where I'm at, trying to figure out how to be sad in this time and still be able to smile at the true joys in my life. So far, this year has been better than last year. I'm still sad, but I'm ok with being sad. I'm cognicant of the fact that I'm sad and making sure I don't hurt those I love with any walls that I want to put up. I'm trying to smile for the most part and in the back of my mind just being ok being sad. Next year will be better,  and the year after that, and the year after that!!  If you struggle with the same holiday sadness, I'd love to hear how you cope with it :)