Being Skinny Hurts

I'm sitting here on the eve of my 1 year mark of living a whole foods, plant based life with no sugar, salt or oil. I'm also sobbing and feeling feelings that have not been felt in a long time. I was raped when I was barely 14 on December 29th. I'm 40 years old now and can go back to that place in seconds of being scared to death and knowing that my life had just ended. I knew I would never be the same and I wasn't. What does all this have to do with getting healthy? Well, my drug of sugar and overeating is gone and this looming anniversary is actually being felt this year.

The holiday season is hard, but this year has been even more so. It all came crashing down on me tonight as to why it's been so much harder. I have no crutches. I have no euphoria to delve into. There are no brownies or chocolate candies to help me sail through. I have to feel the yuck. I have to look at my daughter and grieve for myself as she nears the age that I was when a guy took what was not his. I have to be sad and cry.

BUT God is so good. Tonight I went to the back of the house, to be alone. I've been really OCD lately and needing everything clean and in it's place. I've wanted to re-organize. Well, I turned on my iPod to listen to Mercy Me and organize our school room. Their new album is called 'Welcome to the New'. How fitting is that...I'm living a new life. The song that hit me like a ton of bricks is 'Finish What He Started'. He is faithful to complete the good work he has started in my life with my husband and my kids and the softening of my heart that He created. He will complete the healing that He started 5 years ago when I went to therapy for this event. He has led me down this path of  healing in my body and He will continue with me down this path to emotional healing.

So I sit here, looking at my size 8 pants and cry. And I know that tomorrow I'll still be a size 8 and still eat healthy and if I need to cry tomorrow, I will. I stand on the promise that He will complete this work in me and next year I will be stronger, and if I'm not, I'll still be a size 8 (or smaller) and cry and that will be ok.

I was not the same after that night, but I wouldn't be the person today if it wasn't for that event. And I can honestly say that I like who God has made me. God is bigger than that guy's sin and I'm trying to live my life to show that.

**I'm praying that whoever has a story similar to mine will join me in grieving for the loss and just cry. He can repair those hurts, I'm counting on it! Let the tears flow!!